A typical Conservative B. Mitzvah celebration?
Item: At a recent Bar Mitzvah celebration in a Conservative synagogue, the Bar Mitzvah boy chanted the first b'rachah (blessing) over the haftarah (reading from the prophets), then the first and last paragraphs of the haftarah. The closing b'rachah over the haftarah was chanted by a friend of the parents. "Dan l'kaf z'chut, judge everyone favorable," said the rabbis, so I perhaps I should give the young man the benefit of the doubt and assume that he may have had some disability that made even what little he did an accomplishment.
Item: At a recent Shacharit/Morning Service with my "Kaddish minyan," a young man had his first aliyah, apparently in preparation for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah celebration. His mother's comment to a friend was unclear--either the previous Shabbat/Sabbath was the first time the Bar Mitzvah boy had attended a Shabbat morning service, or it was the first time he'd actually prayed, instead of reading a book during services.
Item: At our local synagogue, the cantor had to lay down the law and tell a "candidate" and his custodial parent that his Bar Mitzvah celebration would not take place unless the young man attended Shabbat morning service every week.
Full disclosure: Our attempts to make a shul-goer out of our son were a complete failure, due largely, in my opinion, to the fact that he was the only kid in our congregation who attended synagogue almost every Shabbat. By the time his Bar Mitzvah celebration rolled around, the only reason he was attending Shabbat morning services was that the rabbi required him to do so. (What, you expected him to listen to us at that age?)
How on earth are we supposed to raise our kids observant if we don't, or can't, get them to participate in religious services? And how can we get them to participate in religious services if the culture of many Conservative synagogues militates against making prayer a priority? When did dance classes become more important than davvening, and soccer practice more important than synagogue attendance?
Item: At a recent Shacharit/Morning Service with my "Kaddish minyan," a young man had his first aliyah, apparently in preparation for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah celebration. His mother's comment to a friend was unclear--either the previous Shabbat/Sabbath was the first time the Bar Mitzvah boy had attended a Shabbat morning service, or it was the first time he'd actually prayed, instead of reading a book during services.
Item: At our local synagogue, the cantor had to lay down the law and tell a "candidate" and his custodial parent that his Bar Mitzvah celebration would not take place unless the young man attended Shabbat morning service every week.
Full disclosure: Our attempts to make a shul-goer out of our son were a complete failure, due largely, in my opinion, to the fact that he was the only kid in our congregation who attended synagogue almost every Shabbat. By the time his Bar Mitzvah celebration rolled around, the only reason he was attending Shabbat morning services was that the rabbi required him to do so. (What, you expected him to listen to us at that age?)
How on earth are we supposed to raise our kids observant if we don't, or can't, get them to participate in religious services? And how can we get them to participate in religious services if the culture of many Conservative synagogues militates against making prayer a priority? When did dance classes become more important than davvening, and soccer practice more important than synagogue attendance?
posted by Shira Salamone at 1:15 PM
13 Comments:
It requires a community where attendance on Shabbat morning is not just an expectation, but a given. However, attendance does not always = davening. Appropriate, well-run childrens' services, preferably with parental involvement, are part of it. Part of it is also purely social. Kids go, either to participate in some form of youth services when younger or to daven with parents when older, if they know their friends will be there, too. My kids go because they know they won't be alone and will, at the very least, have "hang out" time with their friends, some of whom they only see in shul. Frankly, we this may have worked too well for my family. As a result of hanging out with her friends, most of whom attended day school, one of my kids elected to transfer out of public school and into day school, because she wanted to learn what her friends were learning. Now I can never retire.
At a relative's Conservative bar mitzvah I asked the bar mitzvah boy if he had started putting on tephilin. Not only had he not, he had no idea what I was talking about. I asked his parents about this and was told he was "not allowed" to own tefilin or even to put them on because that is something that only the "ultra-orthdox" do.
The affair was treif, including pepperoni pizza, and the kosher meal that was special ordered for me and few other guests was actually vegitarian dish from the same treif caterer. ( I know that works for some people.)
Anyway not to digress too much from your question/issue. The best solution is that the Conservative movement needs some rabbis with guts! The guts to say to people/congregants that some things are simply not allowed. The Conservative movement has standards (on paper) and they need to be reiterated. Certain things are just not allowed on Shabbat according to the Conservative movement. For so long they were wishy washy about ballett practice and soccer on Shabbat (the never said it was OK, but they weren't loud enough about it not being OK either) that now how can they expepct people to think that services are more important. Not just that services are the better choice, but doing things that are not in the spirit of Shabbat shouldn't even be a choice. The Conservative movement needs to stop being scared of appearing "Orthodox" or frightening people away, because that approach hasn't brought them in the door either. Maybe a more strict approach might cause a few people to leave initially, but it will reap better rewards down the road. Look at what happened with Orthodoxy: for several years/decades their stick to your guns approach caused people to leave and many shuls could barely make a minyan, now most Orthodox shuls I know are bursting at the seems.
Many Reform rabbis will say something really radical even if they think it might shock some people and make them leave the temple.
Many Orthodox rabbis will same something really right wing even if they think that their congregants won't like it.
In the last 30 years I'm hard pressed to think of a time a Conservative rabbi said something he/she didn't already think that their congregation would be receptive to.
My C shul growing up had a first rate junior congregation that left me with excellent synagogue skills (except I never learned to leyn or to lead mussaf, the latter of which was not done at Junior Congregation to save time).
OTOH, when the time came for my bar mitzvah, my parents wanted me to lead shacharit (well within my capabilities). They were told that I couldn't do anything other than read half the haftorah because it would make the other bar mitzvah kid 'look bad'. (In those baby boomer days, double bar mitzvahs were standard and triple bar mitzvahs happened more than once a year,)
"It requires a community where attendance on Shabbat morning is not just an expectation, but a given. However, attendance does not always = davening. . . . Part of it is also purely social." True, Steve, and it was the lack of a "synagogue social life" that turned our son off to shul-going--to him, shul was a place for old folks.
"one of my kids elected to transfer out of public school and into day school, because she wanted to learn what her friends were learning. Now I can never retire." On the plus side, I can think of worse reasons. :)
"The Conservative movement needs to stop being scared of appearing "Orthodox" or frightening people away, because that approach hasn't brought them in the door either. Maybe a more strict approach might cause a few people to leave initially, but it will reap better rewards down the road." You may have a point, Anon. I'm tired of having to worry about whether the food's kosher in synagogues belong to a denomination that claims to support kashrut observance. I'm willing to put up with being yelled at for traveling on Shabbat and for eating dairy in non-kosher restaurants, in exchange for feeling that Conservative Judaism isn't just do-your-own-thing but davven traditional.
Larry, been there, done that, too. We pulled our son out of Hebrew School and hired a private tutor when he complained that he was learning the same stuff every year--since none of the other families were observant enough to know the basics about the various holidays, they kept having to teach the basics over and over as each holiday approached. Our running joke with a former rabbi, who used to reward the Hebrew School kids with brownies when they answered questions at the annual Hebrew School dinner in the synagogue sukkah, was that we always knew for which answer our son was going to get a brownie--he was the only student who could identify the organic material that constitutes a sukkah's roof as "s'chach."
If I may interrupt the peanut gallery's bashing of Conservative Judaism . . .
I had an unusual upbringing, and its effects are not replicable on a a wide scale, but just FY: I was raised Reform, but I went to a Schechter. My parents are both committed Jews, and we had lots of ritual at home, plus I got a lot of that at school. But they were (and are still) NOT committed shul-goers. I had a Bat Mitzvah, of course, and we went to shul on Yom Tov. Instead of going to shul on most Shabbat mornings, though, my father and I studied Torah at home. To this day, I find davening to be one of the least compelling Jewish rituals. I do it because, unlike my parents, and unlike me when I was a kid, I believe that I should. But I believe that committed, knowledgeable Jews should not underestimate what they can do for their children at home, especially post Bar-/Bat- mitzvah. Just something to think about.
I'm willing to put up with being yelled at for traveling on Shabbat and for eating dairy in non-kosher restaurants, in exchange for feeling that Conservative Judaism isn't just do-your-own-thing but davven traditional.
Shira,
I don't think they should "yell and you" but I think what has happened in the C movement is that certain things there meant has "b'deved" have become the standard. It used to be that travelling on Shabbat was an exception for people who couldn't make it there otherwise and eating veggie out was if you were travelling or there were no kosher establishments. When I was involved in the C movement I was often teased for driving only to shul and nowhere else, and teased even worse when I stopped driving altogether. I have heard of cases of synagogues not hiring rabbis that don't drive on Shabbat because they don't want the rest of the congregation to feel bad. A movement shouldn't punish people for sticking to its own standards. There needs to be a serious evaluation and statement as to what the C movments standards of Shabbat observance entail.
Have you ever considered UTJ?
Katrina, I'm sorry you perceive this post as "bashing . . . Conservative Judaism," but I call them as I see them.
"But I believe that committed, knowledgeable Jews should not underestimate what they can do for their children at home, especially post Bar-/Bat- mitzvah." True. Our usual line is that the only things currently keeping our son Jewish are challah and matzah, both of which he loves. Well into college, he loved the Friday-night home rituals, even chiding us when we forget to bless him (a traditional with which neither of us grew up).
Anon 9:10--don't know how many anonymi are posting here (nu, pick a name, already!)--I myself, particularly when I was less observant than I am now, have been guilty of giving fellow and/or sister congregants grief for being more observant than I am. So I suppose it's only fair that my sister congregants give *me* grief now for complaining about our shul's kashrut standards while I continue to travel to another synagogue via subway on the Sabbath.
"Have you ever considered UTJ?" What would be the advantage of affiliating with a Union for Traditional Judaism synagogue over an Orthodox one? Neither group is egalitarian.
What would be the advantage of affiliating with a Union for Traditional Judaism synagogue over an Orthodox one? Neither group is egalitarian.
Although there is no fully egal UTJ shul, some places give women aliyot on Shabbat (after the first three are given to men, in keeping with halacha)and have women participate in various aspects of the service that they would not in an Orthodox setting. It is a trade off; you give up on something and get other's in return. Being a former right-wing trad Conservative myself, I know that it is a difficult balance: how far do I take halachah? "Halachah says, x, but I want to do y, but that doesn't mean I throw the baby out with the bathwater and abandon halacha altogether."
Have you ever checked out KOE? I believe they give women aliyot (after the first three.)
http://koe.org/
Anon, I checked the Kehilat Orach Eliezer website, and this is the only thing it says about women's participation: "sensitivity to women’s issues (within a halachic framework)" Whatever that means.
I'm looking for a place to pray that's serious and egalitarian. I think I'll try Kehilat Hadar first, and see whether I like it. I'm hoping I'll be able to tear my husband away from our local shul within the next few weeks.
I think the original post reflects one aspect of conservative Judaism, but that it all depends upon the parents.
My oldest is a day school kid, and read several aliyot, the haftorah, and could have led more had she been allowed in our large mainline conservative congregation.
My middle child, who recently had his bar mitzvah, was a hebrew school kid. But because we pushed, he read not only maftir and the haftorah, but also the first aliyah (which was slightly over a column in the Torah).
This past week, the girl, a day school kid, read all but two of the aliyot (which were read by her father and brother).
The week before, though, the two kids barely each read maftir and struggled with the haftorah.
I think that it is expectations which control what our children do. My children know that we go to synagogue every shabbat without fail, and have come to expect it. We even add a few people since some of my children's friends will come to synagogue to spend time with my kids (when they otherwise wouldn't bother coming).
Of the fifty or so Bar/bat mitzvot, in an ordinary year, maybe 4 or so are regular attendees (even among the day school kids). The rest show up for Hebrew school (or Day schoo), but don't routinely come to synagogue (even on Yom Tovim where the day school kids, at least, are off or this year, on weekends when everyone was off).
I don't know what the solution is, however.
Conserv SciFi, parental expectations are a huge issue. If the parents don't care, the children certain won't.
In our son's case, even our parental expectations weren't enough. Despite our best efforts, we found it next to impossible to swim against the tide of the nearly complete indifference of the other parents. I'm happy to hear that you're having more success, in that regard.
Shira
why is it that you are ok with driving and eating in a non-kosher place, but not davening irks you? It sounds like saying everyone driving faster than me is crazy and everyone driving slower is an idiot. One cannot decide this is permissible and this isn't. It is one thing to be one place with a desire to be on the playing field of Torah/Halacha and not there yet versus justifying what you do is right and everyone else is too orthodox or too liberal.
Just a thought.
"everyone else is too orthodox or too liberal."
Touche, Shlomo.
"why is it that you are ok with driving and eating in a non-kosher place, but not davening irks you?"
The town in which I grew up in South Jersey had enough Jewish residents that I didn't feel like the Lone Stranger. But our synagogue was located in a nearby town in which there were so few Jewish residents that the rabbi and cantor and their families were the *only* people who walked to synagogue on Sabbath/Sabbath and Yom Tov/major holidays, because the shul was probably about a mile or more from most of the congregants (as well as the rabbi, poor soul)--everyone else drove, and parked on the side streets.
In those days, *nobody* parked in front of the synagogue.
These days, many Conservative synagogues and their worshippers have given up even the pretense that people walk to shul on Shabbat and Yom Tov--worshippers routinely drive into the parking lot on Saturday and holiday mornings. (Yes, we do that, too, when invited to a suburban Bar or Bat Mitzvah celebration.) So I guess I would have to say that a lax attitude toward traveling on Shabbat and Yom Tov is very common among Conservative Jews, and I'm as guilty as the rest in that regard.
The same is true of eating in non-kosher restaurants, which is a common practice among Conservative Jews. When I was a child, the nearest kosher restaurants were literally in another state, across the river in Philadelphia. I still don't live in an area in which I can walk from my home to a kosher restaurant, and we don't own a car. I guess the best I can say is that, given a choice (which I don't always have, when I'm with other people), I now make it a point to eat in kosher restaurants whenever I'm in a place where I can get to one fairly easily.
"why is it that . . . not davening irks you?" I think it's also fairly common among Conservative Jews to emphasize synagogue worship more than other aspects of observance. I see this all the time in people who are regular synagogue attendees but are otherwise not particularly observant. I guess that approach has left its mark on me.
Post a Comment
<< Home